I’m breaking out the blog today because there’s something on my mind. I’ve learned this about myself: It’s scary to share the honest truth sometimes, but I almost always am thankful that I did. Being vulnerable opens up an opportunity for others to relate to your struggles. It brings people closer together.
I want to write about marriage and what Ben and I have been up to, but I’ll save that for another day. Today, I want to talk about something that I’ve been going through, and maybe, someone else will read this and say, “me too.”
I’ve been on the search for a full-time teaching position and still haven’t found one. And I’ve been ashamed. I’ve been in hiding, to be quite honest. I’ve shared my fears and doubts with Ben and with a few close friends or family members. I’ve been asked by people many times how the job search is going. I know they mean well. It still feels like a punch in the stomach. My pride sets in. I want to snap, “Clearly it’s bad or you would have heard otherwise!” but instead, I crack a joke about being a loser and having no connections yet in Auburn. Making a joke seems to make it easier. I’ll get on Facebook and see yet another friend who has gotten their dream job at their dream school. Don’t get me wrong–I’m very happy for them. But of course, there’s also that aching feeling of “Why not me? When will it be my turn?” The jealousy hangs over me like a dark cloud. And then comes the guilt for being jealous. Does this sound familiar to anyone?
As I drove to a few schools around Auburn last week to deliver resumes and cover letters, I was feeling defeated and useless. I prayed and sure enough, God quietly answered. He assured me that even if nothing comes through right now, He will be taking care of me. I still wasn’t satisfied. And then He showed me a few things that are getting in the way of the truth for me:
So, I’ll confess: It’s not about my fear of being able to contribute to my marriage financially. It’s 100% about pride. With every failed attempt, I’ve selfishly thought about how bad I’ll look to people if I can’t get a teaching position. How pathetic I’ll appear to just be subbing or working part-time. I was supposed to have this adult life stuff figured out by now, right?
Moving to a new city where I had no leads on a job was a bold move, but I have felt God’s hand through the whole thing. I am confident that He’s led us here to do great things. So why can’t I let go of the shame I feel when I think about the possibility of not having my own classroom when August rolls around?
Instead of praying for a job for me, pray for me to learn to find my identity in Christ rather than in my job description or my income. To be content with whatever comes my way. He very well might have a job waiting. I could get a call tomorrow. But maybe not. Maybe God’s preparing me for a season of focusing on our Etsy shop, or maybe something else totally unexpected. What I know is that the Lord has already figured it out. Pray that I can be rid of my pride and fear of being a “failure.”
“But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6